Description

My book is the vivid memory of the psychotic state of mind that I experienced after the birth of my first child. I try to explain how it actually feels to be manic and, although my body was on earth, my mind had taken me into a wild dimension, a frightening and frustrating place. I had been diagnosed with puruple psychosis; a very serious case. I wouldn't respond to any medication as my will was too strong. And I didn't sleep night and day for three and a half weeks.

I was ill after my second child and then became a regular visitor to the psychiatric ward. In 1992 I was diagnosed a manic-depressive. I found the psychiatrist a waste of time; when I became manic they treated my illness but did nothing to help me talk through my problems. The drugs given helped at the time, as they would push the problems to the back of my mind; unfortunately they kept coming back again and again. My brain is very logical and there had to be a reason and an answer for everything; it would go into search mode trying to find out why. I had no control over it and it wouldn't stop until it was satisfied with the conclusion.

In my book I explain how I felt trapped with nowhere to turn; there was no hope left but to carry on causing havoc and visiting the ward. When I first went for my E.C.T the anaesthetist would say "here she is the one who can count to fifty before she gets knocked out!" I would even try to fight that, as my mind didn't want to slow down.

The mind is a very powerful thing and I have experienced mine at full power!! At one time I was shuffling my feet and dribbling from the mouth; I must have looked as though I was auditioning for house on the haunted hill. But I was still there, I think the worst thing was remembering my family, my mother and father coming to visit and seeing their little girl like that, but as much as I tried to communicate with them I couldn't!

Writing my book was great therapy for me as,...